I had this huge crush on a guy named Ben when I was at Pitzer College back in the 90s. So many of us go through the same thing- this incredible hunger for another. I was not in love with Ben. I hardly knew him. But when I saw him I would flutter. I tried to get close to him. And we did do things together. We hung out and had good conversations about life, sex, art… whatever… I wanted him. He knew it. He was straight, but not so sure. Willing to test the waters. I ended up not pushing it with him because on some level, I really thought he was straight. And in my mind I heard and felt “…and then what?” I couldn’t imagine anything other than some sort of grief after we’d hook up. So I let him explore his sexuality with someone else. But I was still wounded from brushing by so close to the sun. I pined for Ben. I felt raw and like my heart was swollen. I was so sensitive to everything. I kinda hid away from everyone for a little while as I recovered from the crush and letting go. And during that time, I listened to the Sugarcubes album “Stick Around For Joy” all the time. I associate those feelings towards Ben with the song “Hit” from that album. When I saw a photograph, this particular one that I used as a reference, those feelings came back up to the surface for a while and I drew this preparatory sketch and another, finer drawing from them. I came across this sketch today and saw it with new eyes, so I thought I’d share it.